So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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