I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize