I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
