Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
