he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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