After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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