I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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