At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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