I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
True strength comes from lack of pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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