just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
