I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
