Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
