just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize