that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize