apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
