So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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