My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
