How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
