so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
