And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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