Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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