I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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