No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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