I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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