That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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