Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
