Banned from zoo.
Again?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
