Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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