She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
