Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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