Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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