i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize