She is in my trunk
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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