My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Don't make out with my wife yet
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
