they said they heard you say put it in my butt
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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