I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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