Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
