This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
