My brain says no but my pants say off.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
