Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We left an ass print on the piano.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
