you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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