Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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