she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
