I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize