Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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