I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
