I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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