Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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