I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize