Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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