my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
