1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
