my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
