yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
