I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
