i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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