sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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