I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
